such a deceiving title.
i feel like in one year's time i've stripped layers of myself. i wish i meant physically but unfortunately that is far from what i mean. this life, my life, has taken me and changed me. most people that know me understand that dance is such a huge part of who I am. i can't even say it's a big part of my life because, at this point, my life does not exist without it. i don't understand how to exist without it. and because of that, part of me has been stripped by it.
i love my world, my cocoon in washington. it's full of alone time and reading and figuring out how to turn my brain off for brief moments in time. but beyond that my time- my life- is spent teaching dance. i love it. i love my students... how hard-working and beautiful and kind they are. but also, i love how i see change and growth in them. they are becoming adults- independent and confident people who are embracing themselves. it's beautiful. it's seems kind of perfect.
perfection is silly. it's not that. but their growth has come with a price. it has stripped me. parts of who i am and who i know to be. i don't understand. opinions, thoughts, ideas, criticisms, complaints, conversations.... all of it has drained me. i can't. i just can't. i don't exist like this. i don't understand a world where i exist in it without knowing me. in every situation i have faced in life i have still known me. it's all i know. but now, i don't. i just don't understand the layers that have been stripped of me in this process. layers that should have never been taken off. it makes me feel raw. vulnerable. cold. i don't think people understand. this isn't my job. this is me. every moment is me.aAnd there is just less of me now than there was a year ago. less armor. less heart. Less. i've always wanted more in this world but for now i must settle for less. i must settle for this less of me.
and in this moment, i feel like i am trying to salvage thin petal pieces and glue them back on the stem. clearly it's not possible. i will grow new petals. i will heal. but i don't think it will be a quick process. but i guess that is what life is...it's time passing and having the world damage me and then heal me. i must as: is that what this world is?
my brain cannot fathom this puzzle and for now it keeps me at a loss. i cannot grow and heal and fix without my brain understanding first. i hope my brain sees the puzzle soon. i need sleep.
questioning & puzzled,
m
ps please forgive grammatical & spelling errors and my flat out terrible writing. this isn't filtered.
