lbs

today i want to go outside and soak in every moment of sunshine that washington has to offer. some times i forget that it is already june because the weather is so far from what i expect it should be (being a california girl and all). I have done my workout for the day and not it's time to grab a book, go outside, and just enjoy every second of this beautiful weather before i head to work. thank you washington for stepping up your game and giving us this beautiful day.

now as i have embarked on my track to a balanced, healthy lifestyle, i hope to be doing more outdoor activities to keep things fun. i've been revamping things for a few weeks now. i'm leaving for las vegas in 23 days and i am hoping to get myself a little more prepared for a bathing suit. it's been over a year since i've been in one in public & i can honestly say i am definitely nervous. i know if i kicked my butt everyday with a killer workout and ate like a responsible adult i wouldn't be having these nerves and my body would be much more acceptable. my laziness, procrastination, and my general lack of self-discipline are always an ever-present obstacle and making smart decisions are not always my forte. just trying to take it one day at a time. maybe i will see a tiny difference by vegas but i'm sure this ongoing process will take the rest of 2013.

motivated & hopeful,
m

ps i am on day 14 of the 'pinterest 30-day squat challenge' and having done 135 squats today makes me think that day 30 is going to be impossible. whoever made this chart is not concerned with people dying in the process. :)

coming or going

it's been so long since i've written on this blog. i've deleted so many entries and made things private and i'm not exactly sure why. maybe i feel like i am different from those days...or maybe i think those entries don't represent me accurately anymore. i'm not sure. even i cannot tell if i am coming or going (as someone has said to me earlier).

today i experienced something that i haven't in a long time...genuine confusion. i feel like i try to communicate to my friends who i am as a person, both honestly and accurately. tonight, each time something came out of my mouth it seemed to be misunderstood or miscommunicated repeatedly. i felt both frustrated and annoyed but didn't really know how to respond. eventually i just walked away. when people tell me i do something i usually see exactly what i did through their eyes...tonight, i struggled with it. 

i'm walking away from today feeling like i need to reboot and really consider how i handle situations. my strong personality and obviously over-opinionated self can be very damaging. am i not seeing myself clearly? am i mistreating others without realizing it? i don't know the answers to these questions. this is the first time this has happened to me in a while and for the first time in a very long time, i'm having a hard time bringing things into focus. 

i hope that i can navigate through some of this and really develop some answers that i understand. either way, i will continue on my path and try to be a person who treats others with respect and kindness. tonight was not a total success in my life but it was a moment where i have stopped to ask more questions. at least that's something.

confused & sleepy,

m

ps this did not happen at my job or with anyone associated with it. sometimes people think it has to do with that but it does not. surprisingly, i do have other friends. haha. :)